i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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