i would punch a child for taco bell
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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