I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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