When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
