If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
