I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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