there's paper in my vomit.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
