Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
