I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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