Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
