im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
