that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Boobs are out for the taking
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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