I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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