When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just googled if crying burns calories
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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