call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
