he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
