You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
