you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
