omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
the liver wants what the liver wants
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
