I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
