My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
