i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
me + whiskey = a bad person
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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