that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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