I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
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