I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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