it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
