jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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