she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
