I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
