i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
