Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
