you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize