Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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