Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
