I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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