I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She's the barista slut.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
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