thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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