I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
