a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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