Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
