Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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