Say something about gay babies.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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