last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
