Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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