she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
