it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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