Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
