How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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