OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
