I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My vagina is officially offended.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
