YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
