just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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