At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
