My friends, they love my intelligence
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
