Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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