just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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