You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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