Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
