i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
