All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
